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More on The Silent Treatment

April 12, 2012

Much of the whining about ST is completely selfish nonsense. It always makes the person who wants to do all the accusing into the saint with the person who is done with all the hoopla made out to look bad. Good for those people and their psychotic psychologists who tell them this nonsense, but has any of it brought your loved one closer? Of course not. Know why? Being a bully doesn’t solve problems. Forcing someone to talk to you or demeaning them for not wanting to speak to you is bullying.

 

When I was raised, I learned, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” That is what I do. When I’m ready to be calm and speak rationally, I will talk to you, but if I’m angry too, you will probably not want to hear what I have to say. I’m not avoiding your silly accusations and judgments of me; I just don’t care what you have to say.

 

Some of you say “tell them you’re leaving”; I say “Perfect! Leave, and don’t let the door hit you on the way out (or do, if you like)!” What you fail to realize is that people who give ST do so because of their OWN abandonment and communication issues. Your disappearance is only going to justify how right they were about you in the first place, so the lesson you’ve taught them by leaving? Exactly. Fail!

 

Instead, why doesn’t the other person take any responsibility and try to calmly talk to the STer or even change the topic to something pleasant that brings the STer in. I know most of my silent periods were broken by a joke that was mutually shared or a graceful gesture of goodwill. Usually, we just want to know that our feelings are considered. People shut down because they believe people aren’t listening to them anyways. A lot of times, people ask me what’s wrong, but I’ve told them about the same issue six times already. How many times do I have to keep telling you that it bothers me when you do X? If I must deal with you still (instead of giving you the boot, like I usually do when people get on my nerves), then I won’t be saying anything to you because you haven’t listened before, and I don’t have any more time to waste, repeating myself.

 

Instead of heeding my advice, most of you will do what you typically do: defend your right to shout at and verbally condemn people and then demand that they answer you (aka bullying). As if! What are they supposed to say to you? “Oh, yes, you’re always right, grand master.” I mean, what are you going to do when the person tells YOU what YOU don’t want to hear? You’ll do what you do here and on other blogs: start defending your behavior and making it all about you again.

 

Here’s the nugget you’re missing, and I’m going to give this to you straight: many STers (not all) see 90% of people as disposable. That’s hard to say as much as it is hard to accept. Put it this way: if I’ve been disposable (and perhaps it was YOU who treated the person this way), why should I think of you as being any better than I’ve been taught to think of myself? Got it?

 

What I notice on boards is that there is a lot of room for people to sling mud at STers for being so abusive but there is ZERO empathy on your parts for the pain that the STer may be feeling for not being able to communicate his/her feelings.  Interesting how you want so badly that which you’re not willing to give…

 

What’s worse is that people who call themselves therapists and counselors participate in the tomfoolery and offer ZERO suggestions for STers on how to open up or resolve their feelings (which is how I landed on this page). This says to me that they don’t truly have a successful outcome in mind. They are merely fanning the flames of anguish. As for me, I prefer to let people argue with themselves if I’ve listened once and said what I had to say on the issue.

Best advice for STers so far:

http://www.maryjorapini.com/my-blog/is-the-silent-treatment-killing-your-relationship.html

 A different perspective:

http://www.streetarticles.com/communication/silent-treatment-in-relationships

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